It is a while since I have done a ‘Dear Friend’ post. They are the sort of posts I write when I find it difficult to put into words what I would like to say to you in person.
I am writing to two people today.
I am and always have been a social butterfly. I love spending time with lots of people but close friends are without a doubt the best! The kind of friend you could talk to about absolutely anything, you can stay up all night drinking, chatting, laughing and putting the world to rights. You know everything about each other and you would do anything to make the other happy.
I have been blogging now for nearly 3 years, I am a small time blogger, but at least I know how it works and the pressures that it creates. Don’t want to make you cry again or dredge something up if you are having a good moment, but I have just read your cry for help on social media and felt I needed to respond.
It was a shock seeing you in town today, it has been a long time.
I was very proud of myself I didn’t cry I didn’t shout or whinge, and I didn’t run away which is what I wanted to do most. I was calm, I put a smile on my face and I managed to be friendly.
The last time we met you were very cruel. You said things that hurt me very deeply. We had been good friends and I couldn’t believe what you said.
Now I’m sad.
Maybe I should’ve said something today, maybe I should’ve told you how I have been feeling the last few months. Yes months…you probably haven’t given my feelings a second thought. But saying something wouldn’t have solved anything. there is too much water under the bridge now.
I still miss your friendship but maybe it was all one sided. Maybe you didn’t class it as a friendship. I obviously didn’t mean as much to you as you meant to me. I hadn’t done anything wrong and was going through a difficult time with someone but not only did you side with them but you chose to deliberately hurt me and kick me when I was down. I do understand that you were in a difficult position and I realise you had to follow the crowd and side against me but to say those things was completely uncalled for.
But today I smiled and we chatted for a while. Caught up to a certain extent. It was obvious you are oblivious to the pain you caused with your damning words. You have no idea how I cried, it was the straw that finally broke me after being strong for so long. I had thought better of you. I was wrong.
We discussed meeting up for coffee sometime. I haven’t got the strength. For me there will always be that elephant in the room. I would want to know what I did so wrong… I have spent too long healing to risk wounds being opened again.
Finally I have moved on. Seeing you in the street after so long shocked me but I was proud of myself holding it together.
But, no, we won’t be meeting for coffee anytime soon.